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May Has Been a Dirty Whore

by Miranda on June 1, 2014

May has been a dirty whore, and I don’t mean a person named May, I mean the month. It’s been a timesuck of anxiety and stress for no reason other than just because, which isn’t really a reason at all in case you were curious.

It started out great. I was high off of Listen To Your Mother and Mom 2.0 and being around my people, eagerly planning the summer with the kids and thinking of zoo trips and pool days and vacation and then BAM! One tiny little thing after another, and some big things, too, came rolling in and then I couldn’t really breathe.

Crazy frequent tantrums due to the Screw You Twos and 5 year old attitude and huge life decisions are all manageable in isolation but when they hit at once things get a little nuts, even if some of them are self-imposed.

What’s weird is that I’m largely happy most of the time and excited about what’s happening in our lives and how my kids are growing and changing and becoming these amazing little people. There is so much good in my life that it’s hard to understand being depressed, even for me, and I’m living it.

But anxiety and depression are secret monsters, laying dormant until poked a little and then I get gutpunched and I’m down for the count until the shock passes or I tap out and give up. I had a lot of those moments last month.

Anxiety and depression don’t make much sense, you know, so it’s sort of impossible and a waste of time to look for any ONE reason as to why they crop up periodically and creep into the corners of my brain. I just know that they do and they make life–living–difficult.

Instead of wanting to leave my house, I just want to curl up in the corner of my couch and stay there. Chaos and clutter reign free and seem to grow worse by the day but I lack any motivation to get up and fix it. I just want it all to disappear, to be swept up into a pile and tossed out like trash. Poof! Gone! And my mind will be clear again.

I’ve wanted to come here and bitch about it all and unleash the pent-up anxiety and rage in an attempt to clear my head and purge those feelings but people don’t like it when you’re angry. It feels like it’s not okay to be vulnerable and the truth is that I’ve been far too vulnerable to deal with the sort of reaction that comes when I try to get real about where I am and what I’m going through.

This anxiety spiral happened last May too, for different reasons then, reasons I still don’t really understand, and began a crazy stretch of negativity and angst that lasted me well into July. Then Daddy died and since I see a pattern where my mood deteriorates in the spring when it should be getting better, I’m determined not to let history repeat itself.

I just can’t seem to ditch my old, unsupportive “friends,” Anxiety and Depression, for good, even with medication and therapy. It’s always a work in progress, I guess. Three steps forward, two steps back.

I want to wipe the slate clean and just be done with it. But I’m trying.

So, peace out, May. You jerk. Don’t let the door hit you.

{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Susan June 1, 2014 at 10:20 am

Oh, Miranda. I see you. I see you standing up for yourself. I see you digging deep.

And I see you being vulnerable with YOURSELF. That’s where the hardest vulnerability lies, I think. In not telling ourself half-truths in fear of what they may mean. Such courage to let things be what they are. To face them and then act.

I adore you and I’m here for whatever you may need.

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2 Miranda June 5, 2014 at 5:08 pm

Thanks, lady. I’m treading water, but I’m treading, you know?

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3 Kristina Grum June 1, 2014 at 2:05 pm

I hope you kick June’s ass just to get back at May.

You’ve got people behind you cheering you on.
xoxo

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4 Miranda June 5, 2014 at 5:08 pm

Thanks for the cheers!

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5 Jen June 2, 2014 at 5:43 pm

Hugs, Miranda. Thinking of you.

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6 Miranda June 5, 2014 at 5:08 pm

Thank you!

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7 Jennifer @ Also Known As...the Wife June 3, 2014 at 3:52 pm

Stop being a whore, May!!

I think everyone has a point during the year that gets to them more than the rest of the year. For me it’s right before it gets warm enough to start enjoying the outside again, for my mom it’s the entire month of February. You’ve recognized a pattern and I’m sure you’ll work hard to protect yourself from it next year.

And there’s no shame in having to constantly fight off a & d. I’m not even sure you can ever really silence them for good. Keep up the good fight and here’s to June being a fresh start.

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8 Miranda June 5, 2014 at 5:09 pm

I definitely think May is my month, and I hate it. I don’t want to dread it, you know? But ugh.

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9 John (Daddy Runs a Lot) June 5, 2014 at 2:11 pm

*hug*

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10 Miranda June 5, 2014 at 5:09 pm

Thank you!

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